Reflections

I just ran in to an old classmate of mine, her name was Jenna, and she didn't remember mine... But she was the one who recognized me. Some how this always happens to me, I am some form of unchanging constant by which the world reflects themselves. So many people don't remember me for who I am or was, but rather for what they perceived me to be. Amazingly almost everyone seems to have flattering things to say to me, but somehow its hard to see a compliment from someone who doesn't remember your name as tremendously genuine.

I also realized that I am considerably behind the rest of my graduating class, in the education field. In fact a number of my classmates have moved from school into the professional world via internships or simply by graduating and getting real jobs. Jenna had just began a substitute teaching position at Antonian as part of her student teaching post for her degree from UT; and the best I could say is, I make music videos and shoot movies, but am barely done with SAC. It was a sobering moment in my educational life. I realized that I would never feel satisfied without a proper education. Its not like I didn't know this about myself before... I just hadn't really seen anyone from high school since graduation. In fact I didn't even go to the parties after graduation. So to be forced to look at my own life through the eyes of a close stranger, was unsettling. I am not sure whether I am pleased at my success despite my situation, or displeased at my situation despite my successes.

It can be hard to judge your own life when the panel of peers you see most often is many years younger than you. Even my best friend is about 2 years younger than me, while there is nothing wrong with time separating friends, I still wonder about judging myself in relation to those I see most often... On one hand, you all are so much better people than this post gives you credit for; on the other, I am no where near where I should be in life to feel comfortable with my self. I think that I have become too lenient upon myself, in that I am striving to keep up with a generation that is behind my own, there-by thwarting my desires to live and learn. It's not that most of the "kids" (as I call them) are lower than I am, soley based upon my age. Rather that I seem willing to hang back; keeping myself a stationary beacon, and have failed to grow out of fear(?) of leaving behind those who seem so willing to act as friends in a journey I am long over due to make.

I don't think I shall venture out today, but I shall certainly make the most of where I am, and not fear the journey I so arduously prepared for those many years ago when the world was mapped with degree plans.