Reflections

I just ran in to an old classmate of mine, her name was Jenna, and she didn't remember mine... But she was the one who recognized me. Some how this always happens to me, I am some form of unchanging constant by which the world reflects themselves. So many people don't remember me for who I am or was, but rather for what they perceived me to be. Amazingly almost everyone seems to have flattering things to say to me, but somehow its hard to see a compliment from someone who doesn't remember your name as tremendously genuine.

I also realized that I am considerably behind the rest of my graduating class, in the education field. In fact a number of my classmates have moved from school into the professional world via internships or simply by graduating and getting real jobs. Jenna had just began a substitute teaching position at Antonian as part of her student teaching post for her degree from UT; and the best I could say is, I make music videos and shoot movies, but am barely done with SAC. It was a sobering moment in my educational life. I realized that I would never feel satisfied without a proper education. Its not like I didn't know this about myself before... I just hadn't really seen anyone from high school since graduation. In fact I didn't even go to the parties after graduation. So to be forced to look at my own life through the eyes of a close stranger, was unsettling. I am not sure whether I am pleased at my success despite my situation, or displeased at my situation despite my successes.

It can be hard to judge your own life when the panel of peers you see most often is many years younger than you. Even my best friend is about 2 years younger than me, while there is nothing wrong with time separating friends, I still wonder about judging myself in relation to those I see most often... On one hand, you all are so much better people than this post gives you credit for; on the other, I am no where near where I should be in life to feel comfortable with my self. I think that I have become too lenient upon myself, in that I am striving to keep up with a generation that is behind my own, there-by thwarting my desires to live and learn. It's not that most of the "kids" (as I call them) are lower than I am, soley based upon my age. Rather that I seem willing to hang back; keeping myself a stationary beacon, and have failed to grow out of fear(?) of leaving behind those who seem so willing to act as friends in a journey I am long over due to make.

I don't think I shall venture out today, but I shall certainly make the most of where I am, and not fear the journey I so arduously prepared for those many years ago when the world was mapped with degree plans.

Eventful weekend

What a weekend, I went through hell just to make it to the end of the week thinking that there was nothing to hope for, and no reason to move forward...

Then, out of the blue, Starbucks threw a going away bash for my old store manager. Man, that was a hell of an event. We went out and bought a hundred plus dollars of alcohol, and some food so no one died, then after the store closed on saturday we partied. TILL 5:10 AM! I played a drinking game that actually entertained me, and got to know some of my co-workers better than I did before.

This part was especially important since for the most part,

the only friends I have that I see are my co-workers.

I suppose it's not really a big deal, but to me this was the highlight of a week that included getting stood up, yelled at, almost fired, betrayed and some other shit... it was like a little sugar with my salt.

Decisions, decisions...

Much in the way of life can be summed up by simply saying, you have no fuckin' idea what is actually happening to you. The choices we make about choosing and decisions often decide what we will have to decide next time we approach life's metaphorical crossroads... Every decision is ultimately a conflict between two or more impending decisions. Yet no decision will ever decide our path in life; just how we will view the same path we have been on all along. .
I cant really say much except that, I have no idea what the next decision I face will be, and it makes the current decisions I face all the more terrifying.

When you have nothing else, just post a survey

1) Uptown or downtown? Downtown
2) Country or rock 'n roll? Rock n roll
3) Extrovert or introvert? Extrovert, unless its something I should keep to myself
4) Top or bottom? Bottom
5) Timid or brazen? brazen... To the point of being a jackass with no shame
6) Slow and drawn out or fast and furious? Slow and drawn out
7) Pitcher or catcher? Pitcher, its more satisfying
8) Lefty-loose or right-tight? Lefty-loosey
9) Into singin'' in the rain or feelin'' no pain? Singing in the rain, Shawshank Redemption style
10) Prone to bark or meow? Prone to bark, but I can meow just like a real cat.
11) Spiderman or Wolverine? Wolverine
12) Crazy genius or starving artist? Yes
13) Alpha or omega? Omega, I am the end of all things
14) A cool cucumber or a hot pepper? Cool
15) A bowler or a golfer? Golfer, its easier
16) Meat and potatoes or haute cuisine? Meat, just meat
17) livin'' large or laughin'' easy? Laughing easy
18) Catch of the day or house specialty? House specialty
19) Life taker or heart breaker? Heart breaker, its a hobby
20) Red wine or white wine? White, but not shitty white wine.

some of us have real problems

I was feeling down till I saw this http://prisonpete.blogspot.com/ it's the blog of a federal inmate who goes by the name of prison Pete. He is fairly eloquent and updates his blog by writing snail mail to a friend who reposts his letters on the site at the request of Pete. I have no idea why he is in prison, so I will say nothing other than this is an admirable, and eloquent blog. Give it a read and tell me what you think.

I love my job.
Today I was hanging out with rockstars, we shot a music video for the band Des Demona, it was just fun to watch... They're a hell of a live band. I got hit on by the lead singer, and will probably never call her. ( or maybe I will, it depends ).
Basically my job was to lift big things and be the second camera operator. Normally I do lights and other things, but today we didn't bring any of the equipment that I usually run. Essentially it was a free day. As if all this wasn't cool enough, we then sat around watching music videos and pitching movie ideas.
Depending on how well the video we just shot pays, I may buy an Xbox. I know that my posts are usually different than this one, but it suddenly struck me how cool it is that I am professionally hanging out with rockstars, and using the money I earn doing this to buy a game system. My job rules!

Not what you think

Sometimes its possible to make too much, out of too little.
It seems that I am often guilty of this. I make assumptions freely, jumping from conclusion to conclusion, like a child on a playground.
I wanna be king of the monkey bars and lord of the hill... but like every playground in America, there are bigger kids, and faster kids. Perhaps it is time I left behind my playschool past, and moved to a college world.
I may never stop being a child; but I can still act my age from time to time.

* I have been putting off this post, becuase I think most people won't understand it... yet sometimes it doesn't matter who understands you, as long as you say something.

:)

introducing Hutto

I was reading everyones BLog's today in a different order than usual, and it occured to me that I did not have Hutto's journal in my links section; so I would like to hereby announce that this wasnt intnetional.. and humbly beg his forgivness.
sorry about that mate.
In related news:
introducing Hutto's journal.
http://hutto.blogspot.com/
check it out

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Shannon Wayne O'Dowd
-- Birth date: April 24th 1982
-- Birthplace: San Antonio, TX
-- Current Location: SA
-- Eye Color: dark brown almost black
-- Hair Color: calico
-- Height: 5'8" give or take
-- Righty or Lefty: ambi... but mostly left
-- Zodiac Sign: Cusp of Taurus and Aries

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: French, Italian, and Irish
-- The shoes you wore today: brown pumas.
-- Your weakness: kindness, pretty eyes, and short haired brunettes
-- Your fears: I am afriad of many things, but the only true fears I have are; lonliness, and never being loved
-- Your perfect pizza: Thin crust St. Louis style pizza
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: I have already achieved many of my goals, but I would like to see one of the movies I made become well known

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: "good night, sweet dreams, I love you"
-- Your first waking thoughts: Why am I awake?
-- Your best physical feature: I seem to get compliments on my eye's and hair
-- Your most missed memory: I wont call it a missed memory, but my most cherished is laying out with Ana on retreats...

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: BK
-- Single or group dates: at this point any date is a good one
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas.. hooray soccer shoes
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: real tea... brewed in the sun
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla, totally.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Both... Irish cream Cappucinnos and coffee with whisky

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: An occasional cigar, and way too many cigarettes
-- Cuss: Ever heard a drunk sailor stub his toe?
-- Sing: Not well. But, I have begun to sing "I feel pretty" when I work
-- Take a shower everyday: Hell yeah
-- Do you think you've been in love: Absolutely. On occasion I still am ;)
-- Want to go to college: I am.. sorta
-- Liked high school: Loved it.
-- Want to get married: That depends, if I did, I know who I would ask...
-- Believe in yourself: Someone should! maybe I should too.
-- Get motion sickness: Only if I didn't feel well before
-- Think you're attractive: yeah, attractive but not good looking
-- Think you're a health freak: I used to jog and smoke at the same time
-- Get along with your parent(s): recently, yeah
-- Like thunderstorms: I love them.
-- Play an instrument: Quite a few percussion instruments, guitar, trumpet, and I want to learn violin, but this doesn't mean I am good at any of these

LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Much.. too much in fact
-- Smoked: in this past month? heavily.
-- Done a drug: no
-- Made Out: Um, yes.
-- Gone on a date: no
-- Gone to the mall?: no
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: never
-- Eaten sushi: Oh yeah..
-- Been on stage: God, Its been months. I really miss that now that I think about it.
-- Been dumped: Nope!
-- Gone skating: No, well I'm on thin ice at work does that count?
-- Made homemade cookies: havent cooked at all
-- Gone skinny dipping: havent had a chance this month
-- Dyed your hair: never.
-- Stolen Anything: No.

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes. It was great fun.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yeah, of course.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: yeah, it sucks.
-- Been caught "doing something": at least two or three times...
-- Been called a tease: yeah, on thursday
-- Gotten beaten up: yeah... long story
-- Shoplifted: Nope.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: no, but I have changed where I fit in

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: I dont know
-- Numbers and Names of Children: I havent even named the dog I am getting yet.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: I'm not even thinking about details until there's a ring on my finger.
-- How do you want to die: I'm going to steal a Porsche and drive it over Niagara Falls! (credit to Kelly for this, but it does sound awful appealing)
-- Where do you want to go to college: probably Austin
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I already am that, now I just want it to be sucessful
-- What country would you most like to visit: Ireland, Greece or England

LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: two.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: There are a few, but I will always call Ana first.
-- Number of CDs that I own: A bajillion and 2.
-- Number of piercings: none
-- Number of tattoos: None. Maybe one day, but it will be tasteful
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: Probably never, but I have been in the news paper... they just never mention me
-- Number of scars on my body: My lip, and maybe some miscalaneous burn scars
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: no regrets... but i do tend to dwell on the past, for only by understanding the past can we understand the future.

Road Trip

I will be taking a road trip from san antonio to austin and possibly san marcos, because.

1. I need to see where my future lies...
2. It will be nice to see old friends, and make new ones.
3. I am running out of options at school.
4. I really want a bottle of the new Starbucks coffee liqeour.
5. Every so often I find it neccessary to just go where ever life takes me

It should be fun... even if it isnt it will still serve a purpose.

Wish me luck.

I don't have much to say today. Call it a study in silence, but currently there is either nothing going on in my life, or I am not allowed to speak of what's going on.
hence I am at a dilemma, and have decided that the best thing I can do in the present situation, is simply state that I am alive and well.

love you all.

catch you on the flip-side!

I dont believe much of this

Your Birth Month (Meme)
Here's a meme I picked up that I thought was kinda cute. Bloggers! Propagate!
Pick your birth month and cross (strike) out what doesn't apply to you. To strike out you use the S tag. So for the cross out you would surround the "strike out" with strike out . Then post the whole list for the next person or link back to here.

--------JANUARY:Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY:Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but those not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH:Attractive personality.sexy. Affectionate.Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL:Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their luver can see.

MAY:Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE:Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY:Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST:Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER:Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive.Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER:Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER:Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciates praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER:Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

These are the types of days the un-inspired call the lazy days of summer... I, for one prefer the phrase; fuckin' hot, boring, jack-shit-to-do days of summer! It just seems to sum up the total lack of things worth doing on any given day.

Margarittas. Currently, this seems the most promising solution I have staggered across. So I propose an evening of margatrittas, and suitable entertianment.

Three cheers for a half-assed plan.

what's your cowboy bebop theme song?

According to these I am fucked...

I AM 55% METROSEXUAL! 55% METROSEXUAL I am styling. I may have a bunch of fashion sense, but my macho man side leaks out here and there Take'>http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=113">Take the METROSEXUAL test at Fuali.com

I AM 48% SKA! I know the scene, I' http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=109"Take the SKA test at Fuali.com

I AM 38% EMO! Hmm.. I should stop listening to Dashboard Confessional.... enough said... Now that I stopped looking at my shoes, I know how the real world looks. Take'>http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=105">Take the EMO test at Fuali.com

I AM 59% TORTURED ARTIST! 59% TORTURED ARTIST Art is significant in my life, people are scum but I have the capicity to deal with it. Give it a few more years and I will either forget about art or hate the world. Take'>http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=110">Take the TORTURED ARTIST test at Fuali.com

I AM 62% EVIL GENIUS! 62% EVIL GENIUS Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings. Take'>http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=111">Take the EVIL GENIUS test at Fuali.com

I AM 61% ASSHOLE/BITCH!

ASSHOLE/BITCH

I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em.

Take'>http://www.fuali.com/test.aspx?id=115">Take the ASSHOLE/BITCH test at Fuali.com

I think that I have finally found the format that i will use for now.
revel in its awesomness!

Which Rock Chick Are You?

fleeting moments

I fnd it neccessary to say that, I often have no idea what I am saying from time to time, and today is one of those occassions..
that said I have nothing to say other than sobriety can be one of the most fleeting things a person can deal with aside from love.
you have no idea when either is prone to strike you or leave you... but there is no mistaking the feeling both seem to leave upon you..
im not sure whether you could sleep off love, the same way i can sleep off too much alcohol, but i am also not sure i would ever want to.
fuck it, i am drunk and should just shut my mouth and/or eyes and trust my heart to know the rest.
anyways im out,
love you all.
Shannon

New Format

So there is a new format for my blog now, and I like it....
but it seems to be missing some of the awsomeness i would like the page to have.
so if any one has sugesstions for it lemme know.

Happy Birthday Ana

Happy birthday Ana!
I know today is the day you are the one supposed to get presents, but I just had to say...

Your friendship is the best present I have ever received.

I hope you can say the same for my friendship. Here's wishing you many more years of love.

Love, your bestfriend.

Maybe not the best time for a survey...

Three things that scare me:
1: Being forgotten
2: Being alone
3: losing my friends

Three people who make me laugh:
1. God
2. Tony
3. Becca's Kitty "Ihop"

Three Things I love:
1: Ana
2: Becca
3: Anyone who hasn't betrayed me

Three Things I hate:
1: Assholes...
2: back stabbers
3: tempers.

Three things I don't understand:
1: love
2: tempers
3: fair weather friends

Three things I'm doing right now:
1: wishing I wasn't such an asshole
2: listening to Ozzy
3: moping

Three things I want to do before I die:
1: Visit Ireland
2: Make a movie
3: find true love...

Three things I can do:
1: Say the wrong things
2: pick the wrong women
3: not know how I did either of the above

Three things I can't do:
1: keep my mouth shut
2: meet a woman
3: hold a grudge

Three reasons I wake up every day:
1: friends
2: pride
3: to prove I am not dead yet

Open for interpretation

Today there is too much to say; so in lieu of saying too much, I will only say this...

LOVE.

That says it all.

Now I just need to find a cure for the silence in my life...

Tap dancing across life. Soft shoeing through a minefield.

Do you ever feel like everyone is angry, and somehow you don't know the reason?

Then you realize, that you are the reason...

It's not necessarily because you have done something wrong.

We all do wrong things...

It's no reason for them to be mad at you, is it?

Then you realize; some people don't need reason.

They just are assholes.

I am reason enough.

I am sorry to always be in this mood...

I need to look at the brighter side of life.

:)